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  • Writer's pictureLisa Neville

Ask a Sex Coach- Sexless Relationship: What Can I Do If I Am In One?

Clients come to me with this question quite often. I have been in sexless relationships. I know what that is like.

Basic facts and stats

Let's start with some basic facts. Numbers and facts can help give you a clearer picture of how frequent this occurs and what other things may be contributing.

  • Gen X and Millennials have the least amount of sex of any previous generation- it is not clear why. It could be there just simply isn't enough information since these are young age groups.

  • After 4 years of marriage, only 48% of married woman want regular sex. This could be due to the stress of family and work obligations.

  • Sexless relationship stats show, 12% of midlife women and 7% of 65 and older women report low libido. This is likely related to menopause and post menopause.

  • Experts define sexless relationship as having sex less than 10 times a year or less than once a month.

  • About 61% of people believe intimacy is essential for a good relationship. This number implies that 39% of people do not consider intimacy important or they just may have learned to cope without it.

  • Roughly 27% of women and 15% of men stated they did not have sex in the last 12 months.

  • Couples in sexless relationships consider separation or divorce more often than sexually active couples.

Why are you not having sex?

The reasons you aren't having sex is very important. Lack of sex can be symptoms of much bigger problems in the relationship.

It could be lack of trust and closeness or a health issue one of you may have. It can also be trust has eroded or confidence has been damaged. There can be feelings of loneliness, resentment, frustration, guilt, rejection and inadequacy. Sound familiar?

There is a strong stigma around the issue of a sexless relationship. This can prevent folks from getting the help they need.

Hopefully, giving you a realistic view will help you to understand the problem, help you deal with and get the help you need to save your relationship.

What can you do?

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So, now what can you do? How can you go from just being roommates, having a lack of emotional intimacy, resenting your partner, or being bored in the relationship? Is it too late?

The sooner you start working on the problem the better chance you have of living your best life again. So, don't wait!

First, we need to break down what is happening in the relationship. What caused the sex to dissipate? There can be numerous causes for this.

When couples drift apart, lose connection, take each other for granted or build up resentment toward each other, their sex life is drastically impacted.

Open communication is a key piece to working your way out of a sexless relationship. You have to talk about what is going on! Often, couples don't know how to have these conversations. We aren't taught how to talk about our feelings or sex. I help facilitate this in session so each partner can speak their truth and be heard.

Other things can also impact your level of desire and may not be as easy to pinpoint.

For both men and women there can be medical and medication issues that effect desire. Schedule an appointment with your health care provider. Are there other medications you can try? Are there supplements that you can take? Perhaps there are alternative therapies you can try such as acupuncture, massage, hormone therapy or physical therapy.

10 Other things you can try

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It can be very easy to just resign to having a sexless relationship. And, you don't have to. It is okay to ask for help.

Let's talk about other things you can try.

  • Talk with your partner about what it was like before, when did things change and what was going on at the time?

  • Ask your partner if they are happy with the way things are now? If they could change something, what would it be?

  • Make time to connect with each other, have fun, bond, flirt, try new things, tease, compliment one another and set new goals for yourselves.

  • Don't try to go back to the way things used to be. You are not the same people you were. You are different, older, more mature, your fantasies and desires are different now.

People waste too much time talking about how little sex they are having and not what they can do to make it better. I can help you have those conversations and get out of the rut of complaining. I can help you move in the direction of having Better Sex. Sex you and your partner both enjoy.

  • You need to nurture emotional intimacy. We can work through any areas of resentment you may have for one another. I help you get back to fostering emotional closeness through increased time together, intimate conversations and affection.

  • Feeling relaxed during sex is key to sexual responsiveness. Anxiety tends to kill the mood which leads to less sex. Get out of your head and into your body. When you have been in your head all day because of work or family obligations, it can be a struggle to connect with your body and tap into your sexual energy.

Practice tuning into your body during self-pleasure. When you feel yourself thinking about all the things you need to do today, bring your mind back to your body, remind yourself you deserve to be right were you are and notice what sensations you are feeling. You will get the most out of sex if you are present in your body and not in your head.

  • Stop worrying about having an orgasm. For couples that stress over the state of their sex lives, you need to remember that having an orgasm is not the end all and be all of sex. If orgasm happens great! That's the icing on the cake! If not, that's ok too. Enjoy one another. Play, kiss, take a shower together, give each other a massage or talk about your fantasies.

  • Learn to work around sexual issues such as erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation or lack of lubrication in women. These can often make partners apprehensive about initiating sex. There maybe a fear of what might happen or maybe letting your partner down.

  • Widen your definition of great sex! There are infinite ways to delight your partner that don't depend on a hard dick or a wet pussy. Switch it up! There are all kinds of tricks you can have up your sleeve that will make your time together hot!

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  • Lastly, STOP comparing your sex life to others! People tend to believe that everyone's sex life is better than theirs. If you are worried about your sex life, have a conversation about it with your partner.

If you are unable to do this on your own, get help. Reach out to me and schedule an appointment. We can work together to get you to a better place.

My previous marriage was sexless. We had other core issues in our relationship as well. I felt sad, angry, frustrated and alone. I felt alone living in the same house as my husband. I was miserable. I searched for companionship and connection outside of my marriage on more than one occasion. I am not proud of that and I did it. I had no idea how to have a conversation about what I was feeling or even where to go for help.

In the end, I left my husband and we divorced. We had other serious issues in our relationship previous to not having sex. We didn't seek help. For me, it was too late. The damage had been done. All I wanted was out.

After leaving my marriage, I worked really hard to become the person I am today. I worked to get to a place in my own life where if I chose to be in another relationship that I would do things differently. So, here I am! I am married to the love of my life! We are able to talk about things openly and honestly regardless of the topic.

I want to help others in the same situation I was in. We all deserve to be happy, loved, respected, valued and to have great sex! If you are in a situation where you don:t have these things, don't wait until it is too late to get the help that you need. Your relationship is worth it. Don't wait.

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"A couple may disagree on many things, but they absolutely must agree to never give up."

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My love and I at Rhythm and Brews in downtown Hendersonville. Enjoying great music, a cold beer and most of all each other.

Lisa Neville

Sex and Intimacy Coach

Better Sex 4 U


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